The Thief's Table
By Dr. Lissa Goins
Translated from Copperwall Thieves' Cant
To the enterprising sort, there is no end of priceless culinary delights to be found in unsuspecting places within any bustling metropolis. It is with great pleasure that this guidebook on excellent shopping and dining locations in our noble city is presented for the courageous soul’s perusal.
First, one must ever pay tribute to the downtown market, which specializes in the common delicacies. The quick-handed type may soon find themselves flush with cash and this humble soul would recommend The One Handed Ogre for the finest fish and chips to be found anywhere. Knocking twice before entering is only polite.
A lesser known eating establishment can only be reached by climbing the blue trellis off the north street branching from Brick Fountain square. My Lady, the Good Elizathera of Peonies is always willing to tell the fortune of the bold and quick-witted; tea and cakes are included in the price of the divination. Do Not climb the yellow trellis. Magistrate Alfrack is far spryer than he looks and has little to offer visitors regardless.
Would one wish for more excitement? Then there are yet choices to be had! If one is light of foot and eager for a seasonal taste, your humble guide recommends reaching the white marble mansion just on the outskirts of the city proper at the end of any week. There is a small gate in the northern hedge wall that will allow entrance into the most fanciful of parties. The music is droll, but the banquet table is always laden with unusual treats from distant places. Your guide cannot recommend the company; however, the rose maze offers no end of secrets to be observed if one wants to dine in.
The more mysterious of individuals may find themselves travelling the narrow roads in the older quarter of the city and behold the sight of ladies in the finest of silks and jewels. The Dagger Dancer, while a fine establishment itself, is only the entrance to a fabulous underground labyrinth. Immediately Left, Right, Straight, Striped Awning on the Left is how one finds simply the most amazing fried meats that have ever been eaten.
Ah, but one must be thinking to oneself that surely this city offers no more than one’s own hometown. My dear guest, do not be discouraged. There is yet to be discovered unheard of delights in the least expected of places. To be sure, the short wizard’s tower almost overgrown with climbing vines looks inviting beyond measure with an almost certain promise of little treasure the common soul would appreciate, but this guide book would enlighten otherwise. The well half a block away is dry and at its bottom houses a tunnel that leads directly to a fully and magically stocked kitchen. Our Beloved Wizard provides both groceries and cooked dinners. Please show courtesy to the Unseen Servants.
The side of town facing the sea houses a bustling market for fish and work. If one wishes to spend one’s wages at a local business, it is recommended to avoid the gold-lettered building with the long-nosed proprietor. Rather, The Giant Squid Eating a Boat provides a much more satisfactory experience. There can be found a man in a cloak who can always be counted on to pay the tab for a small errand done.
This guide has led you all around the outer city, but what of the grand walled center? Surely any guide book of excellent taste would include the more upscale of locations. Indeed, this guide book can be counted on for such directions. Paradoxically, the guard tower to the left is the least stressful of entrances, since the bars on the basement window were replaced by a trapdoor during a rather successful festival evening. Under the bed is an unfortunately cramped tunnel that goes both left and straight.
The leftward choice leads to a storeroom housing common weapons, dried edible goods, and occasionally, the better quality of drink. Foolish is he who gets drunk in the storeroom however, please continue on through the door and be aware that the barrack’s kitchens are on the left. The cook has yet to be found sleeping, but he is a jolly soul who trades in pies for poisons. One should never forget to bring a gift.
To follow the under-the-bed tunnel straight is to follow adventure where it may lead. This path exits into an alley just outside our grand castle. The surrounding marketplace holds the very best of merchandise and one should be wary of glittering baubles of worthless character. Instead, the King’s stables offers the unprecedented opportunity to share a table with the racehorse, Mighty Ajax the Most Masterful. There is no shortage of apples, but be aware the stallion has snubbed better fare than most have ever tasted in their lifetimes. Dining with this celebrity should never be turned down.
Perhaps one prefers a less famous table? The second floor window encircled in roses is easy for a skilled rogue to enter. The perfumed hallways and decorated rooms are despairingly bare, but if one is steadfast and continues down the red-carpeted way, the elegant breakfast room hosts a table that isn’t cleared but once a day in early morning. The all-day smorgasbord of sweetmeats and king’s delights was selected personally by our esteemed majesty and left for the intrepid adventurer to sample at leisure.
Have these choice locations served you as advertised? Would one wish to add a location or disagree with these directions? Of course, be reminded that none of these eateries rival the famous Dwarven Tavern, but truly, only one establishment is the Dwarven Tavern.
Author: Dr. Lissa Goins is the Vice President of Dwarven Tavern and author of "The Hero: The Villain's Story".
Addendum: 3/2/15 This article was posted on Twitter and this was one of the responses.May have been an attempt to advertise but came out looking like we are now the largest provider of tours and tour guides. Awesome for a Fantasy company. Be sure and ask the Tavern Keep about our tour guides and tours.